Walterís gone. I sent him home, even though the night was almost over. I know he would have stayed, maybe wanted to stay, but I couldnít let him. I have to be alone sometime and I havenít been since . . . since Mulder left for Oregon with Walter. These men in my life now seem to be afraid to leave me alone.
Of course Iím not alone. Youíre here. Youíre here with me, inside of me, part of me. I will keep you safe. I wonít let anyone harm you Ė not your Uncle Bill, not the Bureau, no one.
I wish your father knew about you. He would be frightened, frightened of the implications of you. He would be feel guilty that he had Ďdoneí this to me, responsible for what he would see as something he should have thought to prevent. He would worry about my reputation, the rift with my mother, the worsening of my relationship with Bill.
Heíd be wrong to feel that way. Iím delighted with everything about you. I couldnít care less what anyone thinks about my Ďreputationí. Iíve wanted you forever, even before I knew it. When I first thought about children, having a family, I hadnít even met your father. The planning of you was something in the distant future Ė after my Ďcareerí was established and I found the right man. I want to laugh even thinking about that. Right man Ė who would have thought that Fox Mulder would be the right man for me. But he is. Iím not sure how long Iíve known that. Maybe a lot longer than Iím willing to admit. Years ago, the night Tooms slithered into my apartment, the first time he broke my door down, part of me knew. Iíve ignored it, fought it, laughed at it, and finally, finally succumbed to it.
Heíll feel inadequate too. Worried about his ability to be a father to you. His own father wasnít exactly father of the year, of any year. That will take a while for him to get over, but he will. I canít imagine a better, more caring father. He will be wonderful with you. He was with Emily, instinctively.
Emily. She was your big sister, half Ėsister anyway. She was a sweet child, but she didnít have a chance Ė she wasnít created out of love like you were. You were created out of love, donít ever think differently. You werenít an accident or a mistake. Maybe you werenít planned, but that only makes you a surprise Ė a wonderful, delightful, barely dreamed about surprise.
I hope you look like your father. Well, maybe my nose, but he has the most beautiful eyes. Theyíre hazel but they change color with his moods. In meetings, when heís bored or tired, theyíre brown. When we made you they were almost bright green. That was probably the happiest Iíve ever seen him. He was close to that happy when we found out my cancer was in remission, but not quite. He has thick dark hair with just the right amount of wave to it, not out of control curl like mine most of the time. Heís tall and slim Ė no weight problems with him. Iím short, my darling, by the time youíre ready to be born Iíll probably be completely round. I hope . . . I hope your father gets to see that. I want him to be with me when you come, just as he was with me with you were started.
I donít know how long to keep your fatherís apartment. I know, thatís not something I should be worrying about now, but there are things I have to have there. The couch. Your father has a leather couch. Iíd have to say itís his most important piece of furniture, I know itís mine.
Letís face it, that couch it where you were created. Iíd gone over there Ė I do that a lot Ė to talk to him about, okay about an old boyfriend of mine. I was tired, actually exhausted, and I needed . . . I needed your father to understand some things before I could rest. To be honest we really hadnít finished talking before I fell asleep right there on that couch.
Your father covered me with an afghan that he keeps on the back of the couch and let me sleep. He stayed there beside me, letting me sleep against him, probably for an hour or so. Iíd gotten quite comfortable; I was draped all over your father when I woke up. He didnít seem to mind. He could certainly have moved away if he had. Maybe if I had been more awake I would have made a different decision than I did, so Iím glad I wasnít exactly alert.
Your father didnít pressure me at all. It was my decision. I woke up in your fatherís arms and wanted to be there forever. I had to convince your father that I was sincere. Part of him believed me right away Ė you and I will talk about that when you get a little older, eventually I was able to convince all of him. So we started you there on that couch. We moved to his bed and continued to make you most of the night.
I have to admit to you that I panicked the next morning. I slipped out before he woke up. That was stupid of me and hurt your father. Thatís something I never want to do again. I love your father, I need him desperately. If it werenít for you I donít know if I could . . . if I could keep going.
Our friends are worried about me. You have four Ďunclesí that are ready to smother me with attention and more care than I know if I can handle. No, thatís not true, Iíve already been leaning on them and knowing that I can, has kept me sane while I worry about your father.
I should try to get some sleep Ė you need me to be rested. I do plan to go into the office tomorrow. Walter will freak, but I do need to help them with the search. Anything I can do to bring him home to both of us, Iím going to do. You can count on me baby. You can always count on me and soon you can count on your father too.
Goodnight little one.Almost Family 4
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Mulder, Scully, the Lone Gunman and Skinner all belong to Chris Carter,10-13 and Fox. No infringement intended.