Almost Family - Part 3 (PG-13)

Walter’s gone. I sent him home, even though the night was almost over. I know he would have stayed, maybe wanted to stay, but I couldn’t let him. I have to be alone sometime and I haven’t been since . . . since Mulder left for Oregon with Walter. These men in my life now seem to be afraid to leave me alone.

Of course I’m not alone. You’re here. You’re here with me, inside of me, part of me. I will keep you safe. I won’t let anyone harm you – not your Uncle Bill, not the Bureau, no one.

I wish your father knew about you. He would be frightened, frightened of the implications of you. He would be feel guilty that he had ‘done’ this to me, responsible for what he would see as something he should have thought to prevent. He would worry about my reputation, the rift with my mother, the worsening of my relationship with Bill.

He’d be wrong to feel that way. I’m delighted with everything about you. I couldn’t care less what anyone thinks about my ‘reputation’. I’ve wanted you forever, even before I knew it. When I first thought about children, having a family, I hadn’t even met your father. The planning of you was something in the distant future – after my ‘career’ was established and I found the right man. I want to laugh even thinking about that. Right man – who would have thought that Fox Mulder would be the right man for me. But he is. I’m not sure how long I’ve known that. Maybe a lot longer than I’m willing to admit. Years ago, the night Tooms slithered into my apartment, the first time he broke my door down, part of me knew. I’ve ignored it, fought it, laughed at it, and finally, finally succumbed to it.

He’ll feel inadequate too. Worried about his ability to be a father to you. His own father wasn’t exactly father of the year, of any year. That will take a while for him to get over, but he will. I can’t imagine a better, more caring father. He will be wonderful with you. He was with Emily, instinctively.

Emily. She was your big sister, half –sister anyway. She was a sweet child, but she didn’t have a chance – she wasn’t created out of love like you were. You were created out of love, don’t ever think differently. You weren’t an accident or a mistake. Maybe you weren’t planned, but that only makes you a surprise – a wonderful, delightful, barely dreamed about surprise.

I hope you look like your father. Well, maybe my nose, but he has the most beautiful eyes. They’re hazel but they change color with his moods. In meetings, when he’s bored or tired, they’re brown. When we made you they were almost bright green. That was probably the happiest I’ve ever seen him. He was close to that happy when we found out my cancer was in remission, but not quite. He has thick dark hair with just the right amount of wave to it, not out of control curl like mine most of the time. He’s tall and slim – no weight problems with him. I’m short, my darling, by the time you’re ready to be born I’ll probably be completely round. I hope . . . I hope your father gets to see that. I want him to be with me when you come, just as he was with me with you were started.

I don’t know how long to keep your father’s apartment. I know, that’s not something I should be worrying about now, but there are things I have to have there. The couch. Your father has a leather couch. I’d have to say it’s his most important piece of furniture, I know it’s mine.

Let’s face it, that couch it where you were created. I’d gone over there – I do that a lot – to talk to him about, okay about an old boyfriend of mine. I was tired, actually exhausted, and I needed . . . I needed your father to understand some things before I could rest. To be honest we really hadn’t finished talking before I fell asleep right there on that couch.

Your father covered me with an afghan that he keeps on the back of the couch and let me sleep. He stayed there beside me, letting me sleep against him, probably for an hour or so. I’d gotten quite comfortable; I was draped all over your father when I woke up. He didn’t seem to mind. He could certainly have moved away if he had. Maybe if I had been more awake I would have made a different decision than I did, so I’m glad I wasn’t exactly alert.

Your father didn’t pressure me at all. It was my decision. I woke up in your father’s arms and wanted to be there forever. I had to convince your father that I was sincere. Part of him believed me right away – you and I will talk about that when you get a little older, eventually I was able to convince all of him. So we started you there on that couch. We moved to his bed and continued to make you most of the night.

I have to admit to you that I panicked the next morning. I slipped out before he woke up. That was stupid of me and hurt your father. That’s something I never want to do again. I love your father, I need him desperately. If it weren’t for you I don’t know if I could . . . if I could keep going.

Our friends are worried about me. You have four ‘uncles’ that are ready to smother me with attention and more care than I know if I can handle. No, that’s not true, I’ve already been leaning on them and knowing that I can, has kept me sane while I worry about your father.

I should try to get some sleep – you need me to be rested. I do plan to go into the office tomorrow. Walter will freak, but I do need to help them with the search. Anything I can do to bring him home to both of us, I’m going to do. You can count on me baby. You can always count on me and soon you can count on your father too.