Destroying Trust (PG-13)

He wonĎt even look at me, but I can feel his anger wash over me.  No, not anger, disappointment.  Heís so horribly disappointed in me he canít even speak it.   He wonít even come into the room with me, standing there in the entrance, his hands holding onto the doorframe, holding him away from me. 

Was what I did so wrong?  Itís something heís done a hundred times Ė going off, ditching me, to see whatís out there.  Heís gone off with people I donít especially trust and . . . oh hell, heís never gone off like this.  Iíve never felt betrayed by him and thatís obviously what he feels.

I didnít betray him.  I didnít!  I taped everything and I sent the tapes to him.  Even the parts I didnít want him to hear.  ďYouíd give your life for this man, but you wonít allow yourself to love him.Ē  Itís not true.  Oh yes, Iíd give my life for him, willingly, easily.  But the rest of it . . .

If I could love a man, it would be Mulder.  If I were capable of such an emotion, such a commitment.   Is that what he meant?

No, now isnít the time to dwell on this.  I have to win back his trust first.  I canít think about loving him when he wonít even look at me.  Canít even look at me.

ďItís empty.Ē

Iím on my feet at those words.   No!  No, what I did to our partnership canít have been for nothing!  Iím bending over Langly, trying to prove him wrong.  Langly?  Wrong?  Not on something like this.

Iíve ruined it.  Iíve ruined our partnership, our friendship, his trust in me for nothing.  How blind could I be to think I could ever win one with Cancer man?  Yet I hear myself defending my actions.  I have to make him see that this wasnít a betrayal Ė that word again Ė but it wasnít!  I was trying to do something for mankind.  He would have jumped at the chance, I know he would have.

I thought he would understand.   I thought that reaching for extreme possibilities was what he wanted from me.  Iím a fool and I feel so alone.

I should leave, he doesnít want me here.  The guys are packing up to go.  Theyíre embarrassed to be here, to see how Iíve humiliated myself.  I donít blame them.  Have I ever done anything more stupid?

Yes, falling for this man, that was this stupid.  Even now I canít say I love him.  I canít admit it even to myself, but I can feel the loss of him, of his trust, like the well-placed thrust of a knife.

I donít know what it will take to earn his trust again, but I have no choice.  I know now, and I have to admit it, I canít live without it.

- Fin