He won‘t even look at me, but I can feel his anger wash over me. No, not anger, disappointment. He’s so horribly disappointed in me he can’t even speak it. He won’t even come into the room with me, standing there in the entrance, his hands holding onto the doorframe, holding him away from me.
Was what I did so wrong? It’s something he’s done a hundred times – going off, ditching me, to see what’s out there. He’s gone off with people I don’t especially trust and . . . oh hell, he’s never gone off like this. I’ve never felt betrayed by him and that’s obviously what he feels.
I didn’t betray him. I didn’t! I taped everything and I sent the tapes to him. Even the parts I didn’t want him to hear. “You’d give your life for this man, but you won’t allow yourself to love him.” It’s not true. Oh yes, I’d give my life for him, willingly, easily. But the rest of it . . .
If I could love a man, it would be Mulder. If I were capable of such an emotion, such a commitment. Is that what he meant?
No, now isn’t the time to dwell on this. I have to win back his trust first. I can’t think about loving him when he won’t even look at me. Can’t even look at me.
“It’s empty.”
I’m on my feet at those words. No! No, what I did to our partnership can’t have been for nothing! I’m bending over Langly, trying to prove him wrong. Langly? Wrong? Not on something like this.
I’ve ruined it. I’ve ruined our partnership, our friendship, his trust in me for nothing. How blind could I be to think I could ever win one with Cancer man? Yet I hear myself defending my actions. I have to make him see that this wasn’t a betrayal – that word again – but it wasn’t! I was trying to do something for mankind. He would have jumped at the chance, I know he would have.
I thought he would understand. I thought that reaching for extreme possibilities was what he wanted from me. I’m a fool and I feel so alone.
I should leave, he doesn’t want me here. The guys are packing up to go. They’re embarrassed to be here, to see how I’ve humiliated myself. I don’t blame them. Have I ever done anything more stupid?
Yes, falling for this man, that was this stupid. Even now I can’t say I love him. I can’t admit it even to myself, but I can feel the loss of him, of his trust, like the well-placed thrust of a knife.
I don’t know what it will take to earn his trust again, but I have no choice. I know now, and I have to admit it, I can’t live without it.
- Fin