Innermost Pain (PG)


Mulder, I'm failing you again.  The failures just keep piling up and I can't see over them anymore.  I didn't see the jeopardy to you in returning to Oregon with or without me, I haven't been able to find you, and now... now I'm losing your baby.

I'm sorry Mulder, I'm so sorry to be failing you, failing us again.  They aren't telling me anything - maybe there's nothing to tell yet, maybe they think that since I'm a doctor they don't need to tell me anything.   Can I be in this much pain and not lose the baby, our baby?

I can't stop the tears.  They just continue to flow from me.  I told Walter they were just hormonal and he allowed me the lie.  These tears aren't from my overload of hormones.  They're tears of grief.  Grief for our child, but also grief for you.  I'd give so much to be able to touch you, just to hold your hand through this.

Walter tries.  He really does.  I called him tonight, when the cramping began.  It wasn't that late, just a little after midnight.  Mulder, the pain was too bad to drive myself, I had to call him.   He tried very hard to hide his panic, but he couldn't, not completely.  His guilt almost matches my own. 

I don't know when he got the key to my place.  I didn't give it to him, but now I suspect Frohike has access to one as well.  I can't complain, I was glad he had it tonight.  Walter carried me to his car.  He wouldn't hear of me walking that far.  To be honest, I'm not sure I could.

The hospital admitted me.  That was a surprise as well to be honest.  To lose a baby this early in the pregnancy, and with my medical history, I suspect Walter's pressure on them.  I don't care.   If there is a possibility... I'm afraid.  I'm so afraid.

I sent Walter home.  I told him I wanted to be alone.  It was a lie, but he wasn't the one I wanted to be here.  I don't know what he'll say to Doggett.  At this point, I don't really care.

Doggett, I don't know if you know him.  He's not exactly the kind of man I see you having a beer with.   He doesn't know about the baby.  I haven't wanted him to know.  Only Walter and the guys.  It's better that way, especially now I suppose.

The pain seems to be receding.  Has the IV started working or... no, until I know for sure, I'm still pregnant with your child.

I'll have to lighten my workload now Mulder.  Walter will insist.  But I know he'll work that much harder to find you.  Soon Mulder, please, I need you, we need you so much. 

I can't keep my eyes open.  The medication no doubt.  I'll dream about you - I always do since you've been gone.  Please hurry home to me, to us.   Please, please let there still be an us.   Goodnight Mulder, I love you.