Lives Reclaimed - Christmas Together - Part 2 (R)

When he checked on William again, the boy was awake, but unwilling to leave the room.  "Come on downstairs, Big Guy.  Your grandma just took some cookies out of the oven."

"Don't wanna."

"It's okay.  I'll be with you."  He seemed to contemplate that for a moment, but finally sat up, and allowed Mulder to lead him from the room.

Scully hurried toward them when she saw them come down the stairs.  "William, come on in the kitchen with me.  We'll take up the cookies and share them with everyone."

True fear showed in his eyes and her heart hurt at the look.  She put her arm around him and gave him a squeeze, then the three of them moved toward the kitchen.

Maggie smiled when they entered.  "Just in time," she said, extending her hand to William.  After a glance at Mulder, he took it and held the plate as Maggie transferred the warm cookies onto it.  "Why don't you take these to the family room?"

Scully bit her lip for an instant.  "That's a good idea.  William, let's go see what's on TV."

William looked up at Mulder, who winked at him, and the boy resignedly allowed his mother to escort them that way.  Kenny and Bryan were sprawled on the couch, with Matthew sullen and scowling in the recliner.  There was an obvious Band-Aid on his cheek and William refused to look in his direction.

"Will, come on over here," Kenny said as he and Bryan made room between them on the couch.  "It's Elf with Will Farrow.  You ever seen it?"

William shook his head, but with Scully's slight push, he headed that way and handed the plate of cookies to Bryan.  Mulder took a seat behind the couch and William looked back to ensure himself his dad was right there, then turned back to the TV.

Scully ruffled William's hair and laid a hand on Kenny's shoulder for a moment.  He nodded to her and took a cookie from the plate.  Mulder squeezed her hand as she turned to return to the kitchen.

She was in the kitchen when Bill found her.  He approached her as though his size would intimidate her.  Fat chance.  She turned and met his eyes squarely.

"Listen, Dana, that kid of yours is a danger and I - "

"William is not a danger to anyone.  He is also not a retard.  Mulder and my son has lived through unbelievable trauma."  She watched Bill's face redden but could feel his temper rising.  "I will not allow Matthew to taunt him or insult him.  If you cannot control him - "

"Control him?  He didn't cut your son's face."

"No, and I'm sorry that happened.  I'm sorry that Matthew provoked such a response from William."

"Provoked!"

"Provoked."  Charlie stepped into the kitchen.  The look of disgust on his face was plain and Bill flinched slightly from his expression.  "I heard it all, Bill.  I was on my way into the room to stop it when William defended himself in the only way he knew and then he ran.  Kenny and Bryan will be helping keep an eye on things for the rest of your visit."

"What the hell are you talking about?  That little bastard doesn't need - " The  hand across his face stopped him.  He'd forgotten, or dismissed, Dana's hand to hand training and he staggered back.

"Mom, I'm sorry, but I think we need to leave."

"No.  This is family time.  Those boys deserve to know their family, especially William.  And I want all of you to behave, especially you, Bill.  I don't want to take sides in this, but you better believe I will not have any of my children, my in-laws, or my grandchildren insulted or demeaned.  Do you understand?"

Bill blinked at that.  They all turned as the door to the kitchen opened and Tara joined them.  She took in the tension in the room and scanned Bill's face.  She noted the red mark of Dana's hand.  "What's going on?"

"Nothing," Maggie said taking a deep breath. 

Scully looked over at her mother.  Nothing?  That was her response to Tara?  "Mom, really - "

"It's Christmas.  We're all stressed from everything we've been doing, planning.  Let's try to have a nice, calm dinner and see how things go then.  No more running around.  Let's everyone try to relax."

Scully had major doubts that would work, obviously so did Charlie, but both kept quiet.  No one wanted a major family split, years of recriminations and not communicating.  But did she owe Bill any more chances?  It was different now, Mulder could, sort of, defend himself.  William was her son and the beast woman in her was present.  She forced herself to take a deep breath and nodded to Maggie, then left the kitchen.  She, they, would stay for dinner, but no promises after that.  Maybe she could take Charlie and his boys, and Mom back to their house.  In any case, no one would insult her son again.

******

William found a set of stairs leading down.  It was a basement, but not like the basement in their house in Virginia.  He would often sit on the steps and watch either his mother or his father go down the stairs and bring up something from the basement.  That's where they kept the extra cans and boxes of food and the washer and the dryer were down there.  But it was dark and not a place William wanted to visit, so he would wait for them at the top of the stairs.

This basement, however, was different.  It was lighter, for one thing.  He could see the late afternoon sunlight dancing on the floor.  And the floor looked different, too.  The floor in his house was a somewhat dirty gray, even though he'd watched his mother sweep it several times.  Battleship gray, she'd called it and said one day she'd have to mop it but that hadn't happened in the months he'd lived with them. 

This floor had what looked like a map on the floor -- roads and railroad tracks.  It looked like a playroom.  Checking that he was still unnoticed, William crept down the steps.  They didn't creak like the ones in his house.  As he made his way down the steps, he saw that the light was coming from three windows set in the foundation of the house just at ground level.  The light was the sunlight coming in from those windows.  He felt a little braver and jumped off the last step.

It was a playroom, but one that hadn't been used in a long time.  There were some boxes on a long table and a few mismatched chairs along the wall.  On the far wall was a cabinet with the doors standing open and he could see colored bins.  Going forward, he slid one of the bins out and peered in.  There were toy cars and truck, just the right size for the 'roadmap' on the floor. 

He looked up the stairs and heard more raised voices.  They were still yelling at each other.  He bit his lip and looked back at the bin of cars.  They weren't space ships but they were sort of cool.  He took out one of the cars, a dusty red convertible and spun the wheels against his palm.  It worked!  He smiled and picked four other cars and a truck, having to hold them all in his arms to get them over to the spot on the floor.  Soon, he was racing the cars around the streets like he'd seen in one of his father's favorite video games.  Some of the cars flipped over and had to be removed from the track.  He used the truck to take them over to a place on the map marked 'garage'.  It even had a sign like the one at home where he and his dad had changed the oil in their car just last weekend.  Soon he was feeling much better and was able to forget all about the yelling going on upstairs.  He didn't notice when someone older closed the door at the top of the stairs.

********

She located Mulder in the study, watching TV with the boys.  "Where's William?" she asked in a low voice, not disturbing the movie, as soon as she entered the room.

"I think he went to the bathroom."

"You think?"

"Scully, he's doing okay.  He knows most of the people here are . . . safe?"

"Safe."  She shook her head and perched on the arm of his chair.  "What a comforting description of my family."

"I'm sorry - "

"You have nothing to apologize for, Mulder.  I'm the one that put you and William in this position.  I didn't dream - "

"Of course you didn't and Scully, even with all the stuff going on, he knows he's with us and it's permanent and we love him.  I think he understands that we're trying to expand his family and he and Bryan and getting along great."

She smiled at that, though it looked weak.  "Yes, Charlie's boys are being awfully nice to him."  She looked over at the door.  "Are you sure he went to the bathroom?"

"No, but that's what I thought.  Why don't I go check.  Better me than you at his age."

She huffed but didn't argue, watching him leave the room.  He was so good for her.  He put up with so much from her, her family, and was always there to support her.  Maybe marriage wouldn't be such a bad idea, especially now that William was with them.  William could act as best man or something, really be a part of everything.  It was worth thinking about anyway.

That train of thought disappeared when Mulder reappeared at the door, shaking his head.  She was on her feet immediately.  "You didn't see him?"

"No.  I wanted to check back in here before I went upstairs.  I was pretty sure he hadn't gotten past me, but . . . "

"Let's look upstairs."  She was already headed in that direction; he was on her heels.  It look little time to check all of the bedrooms.  William was nowhere to be found.

"Scully, don't panic.  I'm sure he's here.  Look, his coat is right over there."

"That only means he doesn't have it on, not that he's not outside somewhere!  We knew he was upset and scared."

"I don't think he's upset, Scully."

"Why?"

"No buzz," he whispered.  "But I should have kept a better eye on him.  We'll find him.  Let's find out if there's a tree house in the neighborhood.  He might have wanted that kind of security."

"There's not.  There are almost no children in the neighborhood anymore."

"We just checked all the closets and under the beds upstairs, Aunt Dana," Bryan said, joining them in the hallway.

Scully closed her eyes, fighting her tears.  It was her worst nightmare come to life.  "Mulder, we have to find him," she whispered.

"He's here.  He's . . . he probably just found some place he felt comfortable," Mulder tried to assure her, or himself.  "We just have to think a minute."

"It's getting dark," Scully said, looking out the windows by the front door.  "He doesn't have a coat and it's dark - "

"Matty, would you go down to the basement and get Grandma a jar of olives?  They're in the pantry under the steps.  The ones in the black can, ripe olives," Maggie called as she came out of the kitchen.  "What's going on?"

"We can't find William," Scully swallowed hard and wiped at her cheeks.

"Oh, he's just playing hide and seek, I bet," Maggie said.  "You kids - "

"He's not like us, Mom!  Bill and Charlie never heard their guardians murdered in the room next door," Scully bit out angrily.  "Missy and I were never given up for adoption!"

"Scully," Mulder soothed.  "Don't.  She didn't mean - "

"Here're the olives, Grandma," Matt interrupted, holding a can in his hands.

"Matthew, have you seen your cousin?" Maggie asked as she accepted the olives.

"Bryan and Kenny are in the den," he answered.

"No, your little cousin, William," Maggie repeated.  "Have you seen him in the last few minutes?"

Matthew thought for a moment.  "Nope.  Haven't."  He hurried out of the hall toward the den.

Something about Matthew's behavior caught Mulder's eye.  "Where's the basement door?" he asked suddenly.

"Just off the kitchen," Scully replied.  "But William hates the basement, Mulder."

"That's our basement, Scully.  Even I hate it," he shot back.  "Let me check, just to be sure."

William was still playing with the cars when he noticed it was getting too dark to see the street markings on the floor.  Looking up at the window, he realized his mistake - it was dark outside.  Quickly he got up and sought out the stairs in the rapidly fading light.  He looked up at the top but it was too dark to see very far.

He closed his eyes tightly and opened them, hoping he would be able to see better.  But the top of the stairs remained in total darkness - a black void.  William backed away from the dark and searched around the room.  A streetlight cast a little puddle of light in one of the corners and he scrambled over to it.  Suddenly very frightened, he sat down on the floor, drew up his knees to his chest and started to cry.

Mulder opened the basement door and searched around the wall for the light switch.  As he stepped on the first step he heard crying, William crying, softly.

"Buddy, you down here?" he called out.

"Daddy?" came a strangled voice.  "Daddy, come get me!"

"On the way, sport.  I'm right here," he said.  He found William easily in the far corner.  "How did you get down here?" he asked, taking the boy in his arms.  William hung on for dear life, but after a few minutes, he pulled away. 

"I found a city," he told his father.  "On the floor."  He hopped out of Mulder's embrace, but grabbed his hand.  "Over here, come see."  He pulled Mulder over to the play area.

"Oh, wow, I used to have one of these," Mulder exclaimed with admiration.  "Pretty cool, huh?"

William nodded, absently wiping tears and snotty nose on his sleeve.  "But it got dark."

"Did you close the door behind you when you came down?" Mulder asked.

William shook his head. 

"I didn't think so," Mulder said calmly, but was feeling anything but calm.  "Here, pick up the cars and let's put them back.  Maybe we can come play with them again tomorrow.  Dad wants to check something out."

William stooped down and gathered the cars and truck, taking them over to the bins in the cabinet.  Meanwhile, Mulder looked at the steps and then at the pantry shelves under the steps.  There was no way someone could come down the stairs and miss William playing with the cars.  But William was often so zoned in on his play that he could easily miss someone entering and then leaving the room.

Matthew had struck again.  This time he'd even lied about it.  Mulder was going to have to keep a very close eye on his son for the rest of their visit.

*****

The rest of the evening was relatively uneventful.  It had been decided that they would attend the 7 pm service at St. Thomas the Apostle Church just up the road.  Mulder usually stayed at home when Scully took William to church, but he had gone once or twice during the fall for various services connected to the school.  He also remembered the scant times his father's side of the family would attend Christmas Eve services on the Vineyard.  This year, however, he didn't feel pressured to go.  If anything, finding William again and still having Scully at his side had put him on much better terms with any and all universal deities.

They made quite a sight finding seats in the crowded sanctuary and easily took up a whole row.  William tended to find church pretty boring and Scully always kept a small notebook and crayons in her purse to keep him occupied.  After all the events of the day, though, Mulder found his son's head drooping and then sliding over to his lap.  With a smile, he picked the boy up and let him rest on his shoulder.  Together they sat through the service as the other Scullys rose and knelt as the liturgy required.  At one point, he glanced up to see Maggie smiling and him, tears glistening in her eyes.  He winked at her and her grin only grew.  Then she turned back to the service.

Halfway through the Mass, Mulder noticed that Charlie was no longer sitting at the end of their row.  He looked back and saw the younger Scully quietly slipping out the exit of the church.  Mulder closed his eyes, just feeling his young son slumbering in his arms.  Charlie held such pain, such guilt that it almost felt like a cloud followed him wherever he walked.  It was too much for Mulder to try and empathize - he never, ever wanted to be in that position.  He was a trained psychologist but he hadn't put his skills to work for years and when he had it had been searching out the deviant mind - not the injured one.  He ached for the words to ease Charlie's pain.

At that moment, a strange thought occurred to Mulder.  Charlie was really a stranger to him, but oddly enough, there was a connection.  This woman sitting beside him, as she had through the last decade and a half and this child sleeping in his lap connected him not just to Charlie, but to Maggie and Bill and everyone seated in the pew with them.  It was a heady feeling.

"Mulder, you OK?  Want me to take him for a while?" Scully asked, noting, no doubt, the strange expression on his face.

He smiled at her and shook his head.  "No.  I've got him.  He's fine."  She nodded, reassured and went back to paying attention to the service.  Mulder cast one more look back to where Charlie had left the church.  Somehow, in the next two days, he hoped there was some way he could help this man who was part of his family.

*****

Mulder was on the floor with William at Scully's feet.  The paper from opening the presents was pretty much all over the place.  William was totally absorbed with his new Star Wars figures and the Leggos set of the Echo Base and Darth Vader's TIE fighter were within easy reach, though not opened.  Scully wasn't sure if that was in order not to lose any of the small pieces, or to protect it from Matthew.  Whichever he was definitely keeping away from Matthew but seemed to feel better about Kenny and Bryan. 

Bryan was on the floor as well, talking to him about the race that Anakin had won when Qui-Gon had discovered him.

Mulder watched Bill pour another Scotch.  Hell, they hadn't even had lunch and that had to be his third.  He'd started when Mulder had opened a gift from Scully - a robe and matching pajamas pants.  Mulder liked them, plaid, flannel, easy to remove.  He grinned to himself.  It was a husband kind of present and from Scully.  Maybe someday soon she would break down and accept his proposal.

He motioned to William, who leaned toward him.  "There's one more under the tree for your mother.  Can you reach it?"

William nodded and crawled under the tree, returning with a small box.  He handed it to Mulder.  "Give it to Mom."  He winked at the boy, who handed the box to Scully.

"What?  Mulder, you already gave me - "

"It's from both of us," he assured her.  "Go ahead."

She met his eye and saw the uncertainty there and felt a moment of unease.  Well, it wasn't a ring box, and Mulder wouldn't put her on the spot in front of Bill if nothing else.  Shaking her head she tore the paper from the box and balled it up, tossing it to William, who grinned.  She opened the box and saw the delicate sterling silver chain and pendant.  "Mulder!"

"It's a locket, open it."

She took it from the box and opened the filigreed oval.  On the left was William, his school picture and he was smiling.  On the right, her breath caught, Emily also smiling up at her.  Tears filled Scully's eyes immediately.  "Oh, Mulder."

"Is it okay?"

She couldn't speak, gazing at the pictures, her eyes swimming.

"Whadda ya do now, you fuckin' ass?" Bill's words were slurred and everyone looked at him aghast. 

Scully was on her feet before Mulder could even think to help her up.  "What is wrong with you?  The man in my life, my son's father, just gave me an incredible gift - "

"He made you cry!"

"Tears of happiness, Bill.  Don't you understand anything?  God, you're drunk aren't you?  It's Christmas morning!"

"Fuck Christmas, if I have to spend it with a man who caused so much heartache for this family!  He's responsible for everything that's gone wrong.  Missy, your cancer, your estrangement from Dad, him!"  He pointed to William.  "Why don't you see that!"

William was cowering next to Mulder, but Bryan was on William's other side, either protecting, or also drawing security from Mulder's presence. 

Mulder looked over at Maggie's white face, then Charlie caught his attention.  The younger man rose to full height.  Bill turned toward him, expecting support.  The last thing he expected was Charlie's fist to his face, causing him to crash into the tree and both toppled to the ground.  Then Charlie was standing over him, legs spread, ready to defend himself if and when Bill made it back to his feet.

Mulder had scrambled to his feet as well and he had hold of Scully, to keep her from joining the fray.

"Mulder's responsible?  Mulder!"  Charlie yelled down at his older brother.  "What about you, you fucking asshole!"  Bill looked up at his brother, blood pouring from his nose.  "Yes, you!  You think you're so righteous and perfect.  You talk me into joining the goddamn Navy because it's my responsibility to uphold the family honor like you supposedly are.  Maybe you don't mind being away from home for months on end, maybe it keeps you away from your piss ant of a son, but it cost me!  It cost me everything!  They couldn't even reach me when Rachel got sick.  She was dead before they could get a message through!  I didn't want to go into the Navy, I wanted to be home with my family, but no, you were incensed!  I had to join, it was a fucking family tradition!  I wouldn't be a good son!  Well I'll be damned if either of my sons is caught up in that shit!"

Mulder was scanning the room, if Bill launched himself at Charlie, he would take him down.  He outweighed his younger brother by at least thirty pounds.  If Bill attacked Charlie, there was no doubt in Mulder's mind that Kenny and Bryan would join the fight.  How was Mulder going to keep Maggie and Tara from being hurt?

"You blame me for that?"  Bill was coming up slowly, as though he had realized how volatile the situation was.

"You're the one that wanted me in the Navy, you're the one that put my name in for that fucking assignment, you're - "

"Hold it!  I don't control you.  I'm not responsible for the decisions you've made.  Why the hell are you blaming me for - "

"Like you blame Fox?"  Maggie's voice carried over Bill's and for a moment total silence filled the room.  Everyone, even William, turned to look at Maggie. 

Bill looked like a fish out of water, his mouth moving but no sound emerging.  Mulder stood completely still, afraid movement would draw attention to him.  Scully just gaped at her mother.

"Well, isn't that what you do?  If you can blame Fox for Dana's cancer, then why shouldn't Charlie blame you for Rachel's death?  It makes sense to me."

"Mom?  Are you . . . " The expression on Maggie's face seemed to take his breath.  The man actually seemed to shrink slightly and his eyes darted around the room, taking in Scully and his nephews before finding Tara's face and seeing her agreement with Maggie plain on her face.

He sank into the nearest chair and didn't speak.  Scully moved toward the tree and Mulder followed her, helping her to right it and pick up the ornaments that had fallen to the floor.  Only two were broken.  Mulder picked up the large pieces carefully and when he looked up, saw that Kenny had brought him the broom and dustpan.  He nodded and continued to silently clean up the broken glass and scattered pine needles.  No one was talking, William hadn't even turned back to his things, instead surreptitiously watching everyone.

Maggie continued to sit there as though waiting for Bill to answer her.  Maybe she had finally gotten completely fed up with everything.  Mulder looked over at Scully for instructions, but she seems as in the dark as he was.  Well hell, he didn't have to subject his son to this.

"William, let's go back down to the playroom.  Show me what you found."

William scrambled to his feet, eager to take advantage of the excuse to get out of there.

"Fox, why don't Kenny, Bryan and Matthew take him?" Maggie spoke.  It didn't really feel like a question.

Matthew?  Mulder caught Kenny's eye and the boy nodded reassurance.  "Uh, sure.  That okay with you, William?"

From his expression, which Mulder was pretty sure mirrored his own, it wasn't but there was something about Maggie that you didn't cross and this was definitely one of those times.

"Come on, William," Kenny took his hand and Bryan moved to his other side.  Bill took in their protective stance around the younger boy, and seemed to shrink a little more.  After Mulder heard the door to the basement shut, he silently took a seat beside Scully.

Maggie sighed, then looked at each of them in turn.  "This is my fault.  I'm the one that asked each of you to come here, to be a family at Christmas.  I knew Charlie was in such pain and I wanted him to be able to take solace from family, to know we were here for him to help him through at least his first Christmas without Rachel.  I miss her too, she was my daughter for many years and I loved her dearly.  I hoped that having us all together would make things easier." 

She held up her hand as Bill seemed about to speak.  "And I wanted my grandsons to meet and hopefully bond, for William to get to know his family.  That poor boy has been through unspeakable horror and he's finally back with his real family and learning to fit in.  I hope someday he will feel completely assured of his place.  To have him hurt in any way in my home fills me with a sadness I can't even express.   He's my grandson and my heart aches for him, for what he still has to face.  I knew about the animosity Bill felt for Fox, but I didn't dream . . . and I had no idea, Charlie, that you felt that way.  I shouldn't have forced you all to spend this time together, and to be honest, right now, I feel like asking all of you to leave."

"Mom - " Scully took a seat beside her.  "I'm sorry."

Maggie shook her head.  "I think I'll go upstairs for a little while."

"Mom," Charlie stood before his mother.  "Please, stay down here with me.  I, I need you and I'm, I'm sorry I hit Bill."

"You should apologize to him," Maggie said, not facing her youngest son.

Mulder watched Charlie close his eyes and shake his head for a moment, then he turned to Bill.  "I shouldn't have hit you." He turned to Mulder and glanced over at Tara.  "I shouldn't have caused a scene."  He gave his mother one last look and headed out the door.

Scully started after him, but Mulder touched her shoulder.  "Let me try," he whispered in her ear.  She chewed her lip and shrugged her shoulder, then slowly nodded.

Mulder had the presence of mind to grab his coat and one he thought might be Charlie's before he let himself out into the freezing cold.  He spotted Charlie leaning against an old oak tree, puffing on a cigarette and staring out into the light snowfall.

"You aren't going to try and tell me these things will kill me, are you?" Charlie joked, but the tone of his voice made it come out more bitter than humorous.

Mulder shuffled his feet and looked out toward where Charlie's gaze seemed to rest.  "Nah.  Been there myself," he admitted.

Charlie started to reach into his pocket, but Mulder shook his head.  "Not for a few years," he said with a weak smile.

The younger man regarded the half burnt butt in his hand.  "Rachel hated it that I smoked.  I don't do it often.  Never in the house or around the boys.  Just . . . "

"Charlie, what you said in there . . . want to talk about it?" Mulder asked quietly.

"What's to talk about?  Mulder, from what I hear, you're the oldest.  I'm not sure you can possibly understand."

Mulder nodded.  "Yeah, but that doesn't stop me from listening," he replied.

"OK.  So you know what I really wanted to be when I was a kid?"  At Mulder's open look he continued.  "A cartoonist.  Like Garry Trudeau or Charles Schultz.  I dreamed that someday I would open any newspaper in the country and see my strip staring back up at me."

Mulder drew in a deep breath.  "That would be cool."

"Yeah.  I wasn't too bad, either.  Won a couple of local contests, got a partial scholarship to an art summer program put on by U of Maryland.  But you know what happened?  Bill.  Bill happened.  He talked to Dad and told him that I was 'playing around with those pansy-assed artists'.  Well, that was the end of that discussion.  Since it was only a partial scholarship, Dad would have had to put the rest of the money.  It's wasn't a huge sum, I think it was about $250.  But Dad said he didn't have the cash and that was that."

Mulder could see where this was going but knew his job was to listen, not interrupt.  He stomped his feet a little to get some warmth in them.  Charlie finished the cigarette and just leaned against the tree.

"So it comes time for me to take the ACT and I do pretty damned good, but then Scully kids are always overachievers.  I got a 29 on the first try.  But Bill was already out on a ship and of course, he talked to Dad again.  Suddenly, I was applying to the Naval Academy.  I didn't want to go to the Academy.  It's the last place I wanted to go.  But you know how having a Naval officer gives you a leg up at the Academy and since I also had an older brother already through -- gee, like I had any choice in the matter."

"I thought I'd pull one over on them, though.  I decided to go nuke.  Bill was on surface ships, Dad had been on surface ships, I went under the water.  And it was a good gig, for a while.  Then I met Rachel in New London and I fell head over heels.  I was really underwater then," he smirked.  "But I thought I'd finally won.  I got to choose who I married.  The fact that I couldn't believe this gorgeous angel had agreed to marry me was just too good to be true."

At that point, Charlie's shoulders hitched and he choked on a sob.  "I loved her.  God in heaven, I still love her with every breath I take."  He wiped at his cheeks with the sleeve of his coat and shuddered. 

"Charlie, I'm sorry," Mulder said, putting his hand on the younger man's shoulder.  He was surprised when Charlie reached up and grasped his hand in a vice like grip.

"I haven't finished," he said through gritted teeth.  "About a year and a half ago, I had my 20 in, I was ready to retire.  I had even started putting out feelers for a job in the civilian world.  Rachel was over the moon.  The boys were already making plans for how many sporting events we were going to make in the coming year.  I wasn't going to tell anyone, certainly not Bill.  I knew what he'd say.  He's try and talk me out of it, want me to stay in for 30 like he was, like Dad did."

"So what happened?"

"Rachel was so excited, she let it slip to Mom.  And of course, Mom mentioned it to Bill.  Now here's where it gets really good," Charlie sneered.  "Bill, on his own, goes to the Sub commander and arranges for me to get an assignment as XO on the Sea Wolf class boat just about to be launched.  Second to being a cartoonist, it's what I had wanted.  Then he calls me, reminds me that I don't have to stay for the full ten - that the bump in pay would allow me to pay off the house in five years, put some cash aside so we could travel.  Hell, thinking back I can't even remember all the bullshit he fed me.  And God damn me, I took the bait.  So we're in the middle of the Indian Ocean, running deep, and Rachel . . . Ra-chel . . ."

At that point, Charlie just collapsed in on himself.  Mulder was able to reach him and support him before he hit the snow-packed ground.  He held him and just let the man sob brokenly.

"He . . . he caused it.  He . . . he as m-m-much as put a g-g-g-un to her head," he wailed.

Mulder was having hard time keeping his own emotions in check, but he had to get through to this man.  "Charlie, Charlie.  Listen to me.  Please, listen to me."

A few shuddering sobs and Charlie was able to gather enough control to look at Mulder. 

Now that Mulder had his attention, he wasn't so sure he knew what he was going to say.  He closed his eyes for a moment and swallowed.  "Bill didn't kill Rachel, Charlie.  You know that."

At the younger man's attempted objection, Mulder put his hands on Charlie's shoulders.  "Bill didn't kill Rachel any more than I killed Melissa."  Charlie winced at the comparison but remained silent.  "No more than I gave Dana cancer, or killed Emily or intended to leave Dana alone to fight the men who wanted our son.  But I feel that guilt, that pain - every day of my life.  Even when Bill isn't around to remind me."  It was getting harder and harder to keep his voice calm.  "You know, sometimes I wish he'd just take a swing at me and get it over with."

Charlie snorted and shook his head.  "He might have glass jaw, but he's got an iron fist," he warned.

Mulder smiled bitterly.  "But it would get it out of his system.  He might still hate me, but at least he wouldn't feel so impotent about it."

Charlie rubbed his own right fist lightly.  "You might be right on that."

"And maybe . . . maybe he could forgive me . . . for some of it," Mulder added.  Charlie started to shake his head again and Mulder gripped his shoulders tightly.  "I can understand the need to blame someone for what's happened.  But having been on the receiving end of blame that wasn't truly mine, I can tell you that it's a horrible injustice and pretty damned hard to live with."

"You hardly ever see him," Charlie murmured.

"I wasn't talking about Bill," Mulder replied.  "I was talking about my father."

"I can't.  I can't forgive him.  I just . . . hurt . . . so much," Charlie choked out, tears falling fresh.

"I know, I know.  But if it was hurting someone else, someone completely innocent, could you at least try?" Mulder pleaded.  At Charlie's perplexed look he continued.  "Your mom, Charlie.  This is killing her.  All she wanted was her family together at Christmas.  So far it's been World War Three.  You'd give anything for another Christmas with Rachel, right?  What would you give for another Christmas with your mom?  One where she was happy to see all of us rather than dreading the moment we entered the house and counting the moments till we all leave her in peace?"

Charlie thought about that for several minutes.  Mulder finally dropped his hands and they both just stood there, Charlie lost in thought, Mulder scrambling to find something else he could say to convince Charlie to forgive the one man on earth who had yet to forgive him of sins he'd never committed.  Finally, Charlie drew in a deep breath.  "I don't have much choice, do I?"

"Well, he is your brother.  And Tara seems like a nice person so he can't be all that bad," Mulder joked.  It worked, Charlie smiled.

"I could make a dumb blonde joke here, but I like Tara," he said with a shrug.

"I do, too," Mulder replied.  "So . . . need more time?  Or do we go back inside?"

Charlie looked toward the house and sighed.  "I don't need any more time.  My ass is freezin' off out here."

"Good because mine froze solid a few minutes ago," Mulder agreed.  He turned to go but not before Charlie grabbed him and hugged him hard.

"Let me talk to Bill.  I don't think he really knows what he's been doing all these years.  He just doesn't understand."

Mulder found it hard to swallow as he throat tightened up.  "Thanks," was all he could manage.

The warmth of the house was almost overpowering after the cold of the yard.  Mulder hung up his coat and took Charlie's coat to hang.  When he got to the living room, Charlie and Bill were talking.  No fists were involved and Mulder took that as a good thing.

*****

"Let me get you some tea," Tara said, and Maggie nodded.  She and Dana arose and followed Tara into the kitchen.  It took a moment for Mulder to realize that he was alone with the brothers.

Before he could decide how to escape, Bill spoke.  "Charlie, I didn't realize.  I thought you wanted . . . You wouldn't have gotten that assignment, even with my recommendation if you hadn't been the best qualified."

Charlie looked down at his hands.  "I feel like most of me is missing."

Neither Bill nor Mulder knew what to say to that.  Instead of trying, Bill turned to Mulder.  "Why don't you marry her?"

Caught off guard, Mulder faced Bill.  "I, I should."  He looked away to see Charlie watching him.

"She keeps refusing you," Charlie said quietly.

Mulder blinked.

"She says no because she doesn't think she deserves that happiness."

"What?" Mulder and Bill spoke together as though rehearsed.

"She gave away your son.  She couldn't keep him safe and she let him go.  Now she knows what hell the boy went through.  There's not enough penance in the world for what she did.  This is her punishment."

"How long have you been profiling?" Mulder asked.

Charlie sort of grinned.  "I'm the baby; I spent a lot of time observing them."

"I don't want her punished."

"How persuasive can you be?"

"It took me seven years to get her in my bed."  He winced when he realized he'd spoken aloud.  Bill was staring at him, mouth open.  Charlie shook her head, chuckling slightly.

"And I thought Bill was the stubborn one," he sighed.  "Don't give up on her."

"Never."

Bill looked at him then, almost afraid.  "What was in the locket?"

"A picture of William . . . and Emily."

Now it was Bill that winced.  "Emily.  Does she talk about her much?'

"Never.  I think she doesn't want to hurt me or something."

"She wasn't yours?"

Mulder shook his head.  "I don't know, but since Scully's never said, I assume not.  But it weighs on her, both of her shots at motherhood have been tainted.  Hell, you could probably count the amount of time she knew Emily in hours, but she was her daughter and she lost her.  Then William . . . Charlie, she knows better than anyone what you're . . .  Talk to her."

"Yeah, I need to do that.  I know she was such a help with the boys when . . . When Rachel died."  He managed to get the words out and seemed more surprised than either of the other two that he had.

Bill decided to change the subject, and turned to Mulder.  "You asked her to marry you?"

Mulder nodded.  "More than once.  I tend to bring it up so often that it's now a running gag," he said morosely.

Bill mused on that a moment.  "Maybe . . . maybe you should talk to her, Charlie.  I mean, I know a lot of people do it that way, never get married - but they have a kid - "

"William," Mulder interjected.

Bill actually blushed.  "Yeah.  William.  Uh, what's with him, anyway?  I mean, I know he went through hell and all but he's a kid.  Kids roll with the punches.  Why is he . . . so different?  It's like he's in his own little world all the time."

Mulder started to bristle at that comment, but then realized by the tone of Bill's voice he wasn't trying to be offensive.  He was curious.  He wanted to know.  He wanted to find some way to connect.

"Have you ever heard of Asperger's Syndrome?" Mulder asked.  At Bill's blank look and a shake of his head, Mulder tried again.  "There was a movie a while back - 'Martian Child'."  Again a shake.  "It's a mild form of autism."

Bill frowned.  "He doesn't . . . I mean, he can talk, he reacts to people - he's not like Rainman," he objected.

"No, it's a mild form.  He has trouble with social situations.  He's very bright, and I'm not just saying that because he's my kid," Mulder added with a slight smile.  "But he has trouble filtering out what other people just don't notice.  He hears everything - the hum of the fan on the heater in the car, the hum of the lights in school.  He feels stuff, too, like the tag on the neck of his sweater and it's just as obtrusive as if someone were yelling in his ear.  He has to wade through everything to get to what matters."

Bill bit his lip.  "I'm going to talk to Matthew about what he said.  Tara chewed him out already for . . . well, that retard comment.  But Matt has trouble in school, too.  We've been told he's learning disabled, borderline dyslexia.  He sees a reading tutor twice a week.  I think if I explain what William is going through, he might understand it better."

"I'd appreciate it.  I know Scully, Dana, would too.  She wants to think that's her fault too, but it's not.  Maybe if, if she had kept  him with her it could have been caught early and he could have gotten some help, but there's always the possibility that the people that killed his foster parents . . ." He couldn't say it, Scully could have been killed to get him.  He was sorry anyone had died around his son, but that . . . He looked up and met Charlie's eyes.  The younger man nodded, knowing exactly what he was thinking.

Mulder looked back over at Bill.  The man seemed to be trying.  "So, can we make nice for your mother's sake?" 

Bill flushed and looked at Charlie, who was watching him.  "Bill, I don't want to hurt Mom.  This year is hard, the boys and I are lost.  William is feeling his way in a situation he doesn't know, Dana hasn't been able to be with us for years.  We need to talk, sometime, not now and not here, but for now, for Mom - "

"Yeah, for Mom and the kids and everything.  I never . . . yeah, we need to talk soon."

*****

Charlie entered the kitchen and found Scully sitting alone, staring into a cup.  "Dana?"

"Want some tea?"

"You don't drink tea."

"Tara made it for Mom, so I . . . " she shrugged.

"Where are they?"

"They both escaped upstairs.  I think Mom's probably lying down.  Tara's just staying out of the way.  We really blew it didn't we?"

"We?  I don't see where you messed up especially."

She cut her eyes at him, but didn't bother to reply.  Then she sat up straighter.  "Where's Mulder?  You didn't leave him out there with Bill?"

"No.  He went down to the basement to check on Will and Bill's talking to Matthew."

Scully closed her eyes and shook her head.

"You got a minute?" Charlie asked.

"Sure."  She sounded tired, but looked over at him with concern.  "I was hoping we'd get some time to talk, but - "

"Yeah, we need to do that, but right now I need to talk to you."

"Of course."  She indicated the chair next to her and he took it.  She shouldn't have let other concerns keep her from Charlie.  He needed her and she'd been too involved in -

"You need to marry Mulder."

She blinked, stunned at the topic.  "Excuse me?"

"You need to marry Mulder," he repeated. 

"I don't think that's - "

"It is.  You need to stop punishing yourself for something you think you did wrong."

"What are you - "

"Don't interrupt.  Dana, you can't tell me you don't love Mulder."

"I never said - "

"I said don't interrupt.  You're the one that won't give in, and it's because you think you don't deserve that kind of happiness."  He held up a finger as she opened her mouth.  "You think that you need to do penance for 'giving up' your son.  Hey, I've been Catholic long enough to know what guilt looks like.  You'd think Mulder was Catholic.  But you win in the punishment category.  Look at me, you did not give your son up and you did not ruin his life.  You sent him away to keep him safe and I believe you accomplished that."

"What - "

"You did.  Those people that were after him were more than willing to kill to get him.  If he had stayed with you, they would have killed you eventually.  You're good, but they were determined.  And if you had been killed, that would have killed both Mulder and Will.  You do know that don't you?  Mulder can't survive without you, he might exist, for the Will's sake, but he wouldn't live.  I know, Dana, I know what it would do to him.  I'm existing now, and the boys are anchoring me.  You kept your family alive by making the hardest decision any mother can make.  What you need to do now, is celebrate.  Marry the man, be happy, raise your son and for God's sake forgive yourself for doing the right thing!  Okay, now you can speak."

Again she only blinked at him.  "I'm not - "

He gave her a slight smile and his eyebrow rose.

"I am?"

"Admitting your problem is the first step," his tone was pompous now and she smacked his shoulder with her fist.

"When did you start profiling?"

"Mulder asked the same thing.  It's not a bad idea.  I'm going to need a job.  Think you could get me an interview?"

She ignored that, rising to her feet.  She hesitated then.  "Charlie?"

"Do you doubt he loves you?"

"No."

"Do you love him?"

"Yes!"

"Put the poor guy out of his misery and marry him."

She glared at Charlie then and turned toward the door.  At the last minute she looked back at him and stuck her tongue out, causing him to grin and vanished out the door.  His smile dimmed but didn't disappear. 

Scully found Mulder at the snack table, gathering up some things to take down to the basement.  She stepped into his path.

"Scully?"

"I know what I want for Christmas."

"You're a little late.  The big guy is probably passed out from too much of Mrs. Claus's rum punch after a long night."

"You can handle this one."

"I won't get in trouble with the elf union or anything?" he asked with mock concern.  She glared at him and he assumed a bland face.  "Okay, what did you finally decide you wanted for Christmas?"

"Will you marry me?"

It took him a couple of heartbeats to catch up.  He didn't bother to speak, pulling her against him and kissing her.  Her mind went blank.  She'd been kissing this man for years and enjoying the hell out of it, but now she was understanding the concept of swooning for the first time.  He couldn't have been holding back, not all of this time, but ye gods!

When she could finally speak again, leaning against him since her legs were still unsteady, she looked up.  "Was that a yes?"

He laughed out loud, as happy as she could ever remember hearing him.  "What happened?"

"Uh, well Charlie - "

"Think he'd be my maid of honor?"

"Not best man?"

"That's William."

The sight of him blurred as her eyes filled but she nodded.  "When?"

"Are priests all busy today?"

She chuckled then.  "No, but we don't have a license.  I was thinking June."

"And I was thinking before January.  You honestly think I'm going to give you time to change your mind?"

"I'm not going to change my mind, Mulder.  I haven't in the last seventeen years, and I've got no reason to now."

"Still, the man has a point.  How about New Year's Day?"  The voice coming from behind them scared them both, especially when they turned and saw the source - Bill.

He smiled at their joint astonishment.  "Think about it, short stuff.  We're all here through New Year's weekend.  I'm sure you can get the paperwork handled in that time.  Make for a nice way to ring in the new year, wouldn't it?"

Scully was the first to recover.  She walked the few steps over to her brother and dragged his shoulders down so she could run her hand across the back of his neck.  "Who are you - and what have you done with my asshole brother?" she growled.

He batted her hand away.  "Hey, I know I'm thick as a brick, but even I can see the guy's not going anywhere.  Why not make an honest man out of him?"

She frowned slightly.  "Now I know I'm hallucinating," she said, crossing her arms.  "What happened to 'he's only going to ruin your life, Dana'?"

Mulder finally recovered enough to step in, astonishing even himself when it was in Bill's defense.  "It's pretty revealing when you stand accused of something you weren't even aware of doing, isn't it?" he said in Bill's direction, but with a sympathetic look.

Bill dropped his gaze to the floor.  "Yeah.  Very revealing.  I had no idea -  "  He drew in a deep breath and looked Mulder in the eye, extending his hand.  "I have been an asshole to you for as long as I've known you.  I'm not usually like that.  I really was raised better than that.  Please accept my apology."

Mulder grasped the outstretched hand and shook it firmly.  "Accepted.  Gratefully."

"So, about this wedding thing . . . " Bill said, changing the subject as only true manly men can do.  "Seriously, tomorrow is Friday, the county courthouse is open.  Go down there, get the license - "

"Do I get any say in this?" Dana interrupted.

All conversation ground to a halt as she eyed both of the men standing sheepishly before her.  After letting them both squirm for a few heartbeats she shrugged.  "Oh, all right.  It just means I get to hit the after Christmas dress sales a little harder this year."

Mulder reached out his arm and pulled her to his side.  "You're sure."

"I really don't care when and I'm not that interested in where.  I just want you to be there.  And William.  And if the rest of the family can see it, who am I to stand in the way?"

"Stand in the way of what?"  The three turned and saw Maggie coming down the stairs, a tissue still clutched in her hand.  "What's going on now?" she sighed tiredly.

"I think I'll go see what we can do to salvage that dinner we screwed up.  I'll be in the kitchen," Bill said and as he passed Mulder he distinctly heard the other man mumble 'chickenshit' close to his ear.  Bill just beamed.

"Dana, what is going on?" Maggie asked again, crossing her arms and glowering.

"May I?" Mulder asked his partner.  "It's traditional."  Scully rolled her eyes but smiled and nodded her approval.

"Maggie, your daughter just proposed to me and I'd really like to have your permission to marry her," he said, taking the older woman's hand in his.

Her eyes grew wide and she seemed to not breathe for a moment.  Mulder began to panic but then with tears flowing freely, Maggie grabbed him by the shoulders and hugged him for dear life. 

"Yes.  Yes, of course!  Of course you have my permission," she choked out.

The roast was a little dry, but the gravy covered a multitude of sins.  Bill proved that even officers in the Navy could make mashed potatoes and with Tara's help the meal was recovered and dinner was served just an hour and a half behind schedule.  Maggie had demanded a full explanation of what had occurred in her absence, but no one seemed willing to go through it all again.  Finally, she let the matter drop and settled in to enjoy a very different atmosphere.

Bill was loading the dishwasher when Charlie came in with a load of plates.  Bill looked over at his brother.  "I loved her, too, Charlie.  She was . . . she was the best sister-in-law I could have had."

Charlie bit his lip and nodded but before he could turn away Bill had him in a bear hug.  "Let it go, Charlie," he said with a hitch in his voice.  "Just let it go."

That's how Mulder found them a few minutes later.  Charlie broke away, wiping at his eyes.  "So, I guess we have a lot of work ahead of us.  A wedding, huh?"

"Yeah, a wedding.  In a week," Mulder said.  "I was wondering - um, Dana's asked Tara and her mom to be her attendants.  Would you two mind - "

Charlie chuckled and looked over at Bill.  "Another bachelor party?" he asked.

"Do you think the prosecutor ever decided to drop the charges after the last one?" Bill replied cryptically.

"We're not in jail," Charlie pointed out.

"True, but we've both been at sea," Bill responded.

"Maybe I'll just go stag," Mulder interjected.

"No, no.  It's a family affair," Bill objected.  "I'm sure we can find a place that will let us in.  We might have to go one county over."  He clasped his hand on Mulder's shoulder.  "We'd be honored to stand up with you."

"Or lean near you, as the case may be," Charlie added.