She was gone for over an hour. He had cycled back to fear by the time he spotted her through the window. He met her at the door, a towel in his hands. He wrapped her in the towel and sat her on the bed, kneeling in front of her.
please.” He took her hands in his. “Talk to me.
Have I done - “?
His mouth opened and closed a couple of times, but he made no sound. She didn’t look up, staring instead at their hands intertwined in her lap.
“Are you sure? We . . . we haven’t . . .” She didn’t seem to hear him. “Were you . . . were you seeing anyone, before?” She glanced up at him then.
“No.” It was more breath than word. He saw the tears spill out of her eyes and rose, sitting beside her now on the bed. He drew her close, then on into his lap ignoring the fact that she was soaked to the skin.
“I’m here Scully.” She clutched at his arm then and he folded her into him, trying to protect her, keep the rest of the world at bay. He realized she was shivering, probably had been all along. “You need to get out of those wet things.” He spoke into her hair, his lips brushing her scalp.
After a long moment she nodded, but still didn’t attempt to leave his arms. He didn’t push, she was warmer against him but these shudders probably had nothing to do with being wet or cold.
He felt her begin to relax a little, “You need to get some sleep Scully. It’s the middle of the night. Can you stand?” She nodded and he placed her on her feet, not taking his hands from her. “Come on.” He walked her to the bath alcove and blotted her hair with a second towel as she stood looking up at him.
“Thanks.” She might have been talking about her hair, but he knew better. He picked up her pajamas from where she’d dropped them when she’d dressed and handed them to her.
“I’ll be right here.” She nodded and turned away from him to go in the small room to change. He almost turned her back toward him, but managed to stop himself. She wasn’t going anywhere.
When she emerged he was right there waiting and though he knew that she didn’t enjoy being coddled, at least by him, she was going to get some coddling now. He led her to the bed and helped her lay down, pulling the covers up over her.
“Try to get some sleep Scully. We’ll talk when it’s light.” She nodded and rolled over away from him. He backed the one step to his own bed and sat watching her. No, that would probably make her uncomfortable. He lay down but couldn’t turn away from her.
Shortly he realized from her breathing that she had actually fallen asleep. He wished he could. He had to keep physically forcing his mind away from analyzing this. Not now! She hadn’t been seeing anyone; they certainly hadn’t . . . which left those two weeks that they were missing.
Damn those bastards to an everlasting hell! They had no right to violate this woman! She was his and he was going to kill the next person to touch her. If she’d never met him . . . don’t think about it, you’ll go as crazy as everyone already assumes you are.
He realized her sleep was becoming more restless, she’d turned toward him now and he saw that tears were running down her face though she wasn’t awake. His heart broke for her, for all of the pain she’d endured because she had been given to him to destroy.
She seemed to be fighting something now, “Muld . . . “ Him? Was she fighting him or calling to him for help? Hell. He rose from his bed and crawled into hers, pulling her to him. It seemed to be what she wanted, she burrowed into his chest and he could feel her muscles relax. He couldn’t even begin to fathom what she was going through. And it wasn’t a nightmare; she was living it. He had no doubt she was correct in her diagnosis, now that he thought about it. Hell, they were living together, he should have noticed.
He didn’t think he would, but he finally drifted off. He woke the next morning to find her awake and watching him. His immediate response was to pull away from her because she didn’t want him that close; he managed to curb that. The next was to ask how she was feeling, but he didn’t want to hear her say ‘fine’ and know it to be a lie. She wasn’t fine. She’d been violated again.
Ah hell, he hugged her to him. It was what he wanted even if she didn’t. “Scully, what do you want?”
“To wake up in my own bed and find out this is all a nightmare.”
He pulled back from her then. He didn’t want to make things worse, but she followed putting her arms around him now. “I’d do that for you if I could.”
“I know.” She whispered that. He kissed her forehead, no longer even pretending he didn’t want her in his arms. They held each other in silence for a while, then she pulled away from him and stood.
“Where . . .?”
“I’ll be right back.” She ducked into the bathroom and he pulled a pillow into his arms - no substitute but he needed to hold onto something. She paused when she emerged, just looking at him.
After a few seconds he couldn’t take it any more. “Scully?” He rose and came to her, taking her back in his arms.
“What am I going to do?” She murmured into his chest, her arms tightening around him. He closed his eyes, savoring the feel of her, realizing that, for now anyway, she was letting him in.
“We’ll figure something out, Scully. Why don’t I go get us something to eat? We can talk.” After a moment she nodded and stepped back.
“Thanks for . . . for being here last night.” She was looking down, not facing him when she said that. He didn’t say anything, just kissed the top of her head. He dressed quickly - he wanted to get the food and get back. He hated leaving her alone for even that long.
She was staring into space again when he returned, but it didn’t look as though she’d been crying. She took the cup of coffee and gave him a tired smile in thanks. After she’d had time to enjoy some of it, he put his hand over hers. “Scully, can you talk to me?”
“Why did you run off last night?”
She looked up quickly. That wasn’t the question she had been expecting. “I . . .” She turned away. Maybe she couldn’t talk about this after all. He squeezed her hand.
“I’m here Scully. I’m not going anywhere. Whatever you need . . . “
“I wasn’t going to come back last night.” He felt his heart clutch at those words - his greatest fear coming from her lips.
“Where . . .” he had to swallow, “where were you going?”
“I don’t . . . I wasn’t thinking clearly.” She took a deep breath. “I thought about . . .”
“No.” His grip tightened until he saw her grimace. He loosened his grip, but didn’t release her.
“I’m not, I . . . I couldn’t.” She shrugged. “It’s a mortal sin, at least that’s what I learned as a child.”
“I don’t know about that, but it’s a real bad idea. Whatever changed your mind works for me.”
“Mulder, what am I going to do?”
“You’re gonna stay calm. We’ll think of something. You’re sure about . . . “ She nodded miserably. “You . . . you wanted - “
“No! Not like this! I don’t want . . . “
He brushed the hair out of her eyes. “Do you want to get rid of it?” She looked down at his hand that gripped hers and didn’t answer. “Can you live with that Scully?”
“I don’t know!” She jerked her hand away from his and rose abruptly putting space between them.
He stood as well, his hands out begging her to remain calm. “I’m sorry Scully. We don’t have to talk about this now. There’s time - there’s time to make decisions. No one’s forcing you to do anything.”
“Aren’t they? Aren’t they really? I was taken again! They took you this time too. They have control over us. Maybe they’re the reason I didn’t go through with it last night. Maybe they have that degree of control.” She looked away from him for a moment and then back. “Maybe I’ll miscarry. After what they’ve already done to my body, why should I even think I could carry a child anyway?” Her breathing was becoming labored as she fought for composure and lost.
“Scully.” He moved closer to her; she was on the verge of hysteria. He’d seen her in most of her moods; laughing, crying, even terrified, but never like this.
“Help me.” She reached for him, her hand moving down his thigh, moving toward an even more personal area. His physical reaction was immediate; it took a couple of heartbeats for his mind to catch up. “I know you don’t want me Mulder, especially now, but I need - “
“Scully. Not like this.” She was obviously losing her grip on reality. He gently moved away from her. “Scully, you need to - “
Her eyes widened as she realized the extent of her actions. She pulled away from him then, headed for the door again. “No! Scully don’t leave!”
She hesitated, her back still to him. Finally she turned, “I can’t believe that I . . . I’m sorry.” Before he could move she slumped to the floor in a dead faint.
“Oh god!” He was beside her instantly. Her pulse was too fast. He scooped her up in his arms and laid her on the bed they had shared the night before. What the hell was he supposed to do? He dampened a cloth and laid it across her forehead. Could he chance taking her to a hospital? Could he chance not?
She was already coming around. He sat beside her, his hand caressing her face. “Scully?”
She opened her eyes to his face and saw the carefully controlled panic he was trying to hide. Memory flooded her and she turned away, unable to look at him.
“Mulder, I’m so sorry. I can’t believe - “
“Scully, there is one thing we need to get cleared up.” He felt her stiffen beside him; tensing for the blow she knew was coming. “Where in all hell did you get the idea that I didn’t want you?”
She turned back, blinking at him and saw that he was smiling down at her now, his eyebrow raised, awaiting her answer.
“Seven years of history?” She managed to say.
He shook his head, “That was just self control. You would be amazed, or appalled, at how many nights I finally got to sleep thanks to you.”
He watched the blush grow on her face. “You don’t have to say - “
“I’m being honest Scully. It’s my deep dark secret that I’ve never shared with you. I can’t let you go on believing I don’t want you.”
She looked away again, “Even if that had been true at one time, now . . . “
“Now I want you more than ever. You really don’t know how hard it’s been for me to live with you and have to sleep over there? You’ve been more preoccupied than I thought.”
“Mulder, don’t - “
He loomed over her then, his hands pinning her shoulders to the mattress. “Don’t doubt this. I’ve wanted you in my bed for years. Because I’m ‘Spooky’ Mulder and your partner, I haven’t acted on it. Fear of driving you away is a powerful excuse for celibacy. I’ve told you some of this before - after the Bermuda Triangle, New Years Eve - but you didn’t seem to want me to pursue it, so I didn’t.”
She was staring at him now, mouth slightly open, eyes wide. “Oh come on Scully. This can’t be that big a shock.” He watched a tear escape and fear began growing in him again.
She shook her head; “It’s too late. I thought I was damaged before, but now . . . “
“Dana Scully, you are the least damaged person I know and the strongest. You’ve been through hell because of these . . . these people and because of me. Don’t - “ He stopped her protest, “but they haven’t destroyed you and you’re not destroyed now. We’re together on this Scully. Don’t shake your head at me; we’re more together than we’ve ever been, closer than we’ve ever been. I don’t want anything to stop that.”
He could see all kinds of thoughts go through her mind and he readied himself for the argument he knew was coming.
“You got to sleep thinking about me?”
His eyes smiled though he tried to keep it from his lips. “Well, not thinking exactly.” He watched her blush, maybe this was the best thing for now - keep it light. It didn’t change anything, but she needed to step away. “What about you? I don’t suppose you ever fantasized about me?”
The blush deepened. “Yeah.” He smiled then and realized he still had her pinned down on the bed. He released her and sat up.
She woke to a feeling of security. What would cause that, especially now? Then she realized she was cradled in Mulder’s arms. She could feel his warm breath on her shoulder and his hand was inside her pajamas, resting protectively against her abdomen. He was trying to care for her and, let’s face it, he was afraid of what she had thought about doing to herself. She wasn’t considering it now. Suicide wasn’t an answer for her, but it had touched him in some very deep wound and though he tried to hide it, he couldn’t shake it completely.
“Um, Scully, it’s early, go back to sleep.” So he’d been aware of her - and he hadn’t removed his hand. For some reason that made her feel better than anything had in a long time. She scrunched back against him and did drift off again.
Time to move again. How much longer could she keep this up? How much longer did she even want to? The very thought made her weary.
She reached for the handle of her suitcase to swing it off of the bed. There weren’t a lot of option. “I’ve got it.” He reached past her and lifted the bag.
“I can do it Mulder.”
He didn’t respond, at least verbally, but she could see he was hurt by her comment. He was trying to look after her and she couldn’t abide it. She wanted to scream or run or break something. Unfortunately, that wasn’t a possibility.
“Scully, are you okay?” The concern coloring his voice reached her through the fog. They had moved yet again today and she didn’t look right. A little pale, definitely not herself.
“I’m fine, just tired.” Tired didn’t even touch it, but she had no way to describe this incredible weariness.
“Why don’t you lie down for awhile? I can go get us something to eat later.” She looked like she was ready to drop. She hadn’t been herself for days but then neither one of them knew what she was supposed to be like right now. She nodded and he actually stood from the computer to put her to bed. She wasn’t always receptive when he acted like this, but this time she accepted.
He had the impression she was asleep before she completely reclined. His worry for her was growing faster than she was. She’d lost weight in her face, like when she’d battled the cancer, only her stomach was rounder.
Her sleep was restless. It always was now unless he was lying with her. It was one of the few things that made him feel better - that he was able to give her comfort, then at least. He looked up startled as he heard her moan. What the . . .
He was on his feet, “Scully? Scully wake up, can you hear me?” He couldn’t wake her. He placed his hand on her cheek, she was cool, clammy. He’d known she wasn’t feeling well, why did he let her put him off like that?
He needed to wake her; he pulled the covers back and froze in shock. Blood, blood everywhere! He wrapped the spread around her and had her in his arms and out the door.
At the hospital they took her from him and after a minimum of questions banished him to the waiting room. She was losing the baby, that much he was certain of, had she known? Had she kept something from him? He knew she didn’t want this baby, not the way things had happened, but she’d decided to go ahead anyway. Being Dana Scully, that was the only thing she could do. What was happening in there!
It felt like days had passed since the clock had moved but suddenly there was a doctor standing in front of him. He was on his feet instantly. “Is she . . .?”
“She’s stabilized. We had to do a D&C, the baby . . . “
Mulder nodded, unable to speak for a moment. He cleared his throat; “Can I see her?”
“She’s pretty out of it, let us move her to a room and - “ The doctor stopped as a crash cart raced past him and on into the cubicle from which he had just emerged. He squeezed Mulder’s shoulder and was gone, disappearing back into her room.
Mulder found himself in the room as well; he couldn’t stay away any longer. The words barely penetrated his panic, “Clear!” He watched her body jerk as though in slow motion, everything had gone to slow motion. He watched a swab drift from the table and take forever to reach the bloody puddle on the floor. She was dead - technically she was dead right now. Dead?
“Scully!” The word was ripped from him.
The team looked up, startled. “Get him out of here!”
“We have a rhythm!”
“Get another line in her, she’s bleeding out. And get him out of here!”
A nurse had his arm, forcing him from the room. She’d heard him; she’d come back to him when he’d called to her. He allowed the woman to lead him back to the waiting area. He didn’t have the strength to resist her anyway. A considerable time passed before the doctor reappeared.
He started to rise but the doctor placed his hand on his shoulder. “Keep your seat.” A shaft of ice-cold terror lanced through Mulder. The doctor sat beside him. “By the way, I’m Dr. Mabry. We’ve gotten the bleeding under control and we’re moving her to the ICU. Was she on any medication, drugs?”
Mulder had leaned back in the chair, eyes closed. She was alive. He took a deep breath. “No, no medication, but . . . I need to have tissue samples, the . . . the fetus sent to a lab back East.”
“Do you suspect something?”
“There were . . . concerns about the pregnancy - a genetic thing.”
“So it was a high risk pregnancy?”
Mulder nodded. “Could you ship the . . . the -“
“What’s the address?” This man in front of him wasn’t doing well at all. He needed to see his wife.
“It’s the L&G Labs.” He scribbled the address down and handed it to him.
“I’ll take care of this. We’re moving your wife up to the ICU now. We’ll keep a close eye on her.”
Mulder nodded and turned toward the elevators. The doctor watched him for a moment, then went to take care of his promise to him.
Mulder was in the waiting room immediately outside of the unit, as close as they would allow him to be for now. They’d been able to move her from Emergency, but obviously she was still in trouble.
Mulder was on his feet when he saw her doctor approaching the door. “Is she . . .?”
“Mr. Harrison, we can’t control her blood pressure. We’ve pretty much done everything we can. If there’s someone you need to call, you might want to go ahead and get them here.”
Mulder stared at him, not allowing the words to fully penetrate. She was dying? They couldn’t help her any more? How could he call her mother and tell her that, yes, she had been alive these past few weeks but now she was truly dying and . . . No.
“There’s no one. May I go in?”
The doctor nodded and stepped aside. Mulder made his way to her bed. She was so pale, so vulnerable. If he’d had any heart left to break it would have. As it was he felt numb.
He reached for her hand, caressing it with his thumb. He turned it over and brought it to his lips, kissing her palm. “Don’t leave me.” He whispered it into her hand unaware of anyone else in the room.
He finally looked up when the doctor entered and watched him make his way to the monitors. “What?” She wasn’t dead; the machines were still beeping. No one answered him, but he didn’t have enough adrenaline left to panic. She was dying and he already felt dead inside.
“Mr. Harrison.” The doctor approached him and he managed to look away from her. “You’ve been together a long time haven’t you?”
He nodded mutely. A long time? He couldn’t remember life before her. “I don’t know if you have any beliefs in paranormal phenomena, but . . . well I’ve seen some things happen over the years that are hard to explain with science.”
Part of Mulder wanted to laugh. What was the man trying to say? “When you came in here, touched her, her pressure stabilized. When you called for her in the ER, her heart started. We weren’t touching her. Listen I take a lot of heat for . . . She needs you, right now she needs you more than anything we can do. I’m going to get a chair in here and have you sit with her.”
Needed him? She was better because he had touched her? His mind couldn’t wrap around what was being said, but he was going to be allowed to stay here with her. She was still alive, that was all that mattered.
“What the hell is going on out there?” Frohike’s voice was more than a little outraged.
“What did you find?”
“A lot. Who the hell is the mother?”
Mulder sighed, so they had just used her again. It wasn’t even hers. “She was . . . we don’t know who the mother was genetically.”
“What’s her condition?” Byers was on the other line now.
“Critical. Can you help?”
“We can’t explain everything we’ve found. We’ve asked a couple of people to help us on this.” They sounded uncomfortable, damn uncomfortable but he didn’t have time to analyze it now, he wanted to be with her.
“I need to get back to her. I’ll call in a few hours. If you find anything . . . “
“We’re on it. Mulder . . .” He was startled, they hadn’t used names before. It was Byers speaking and he sounded very uncertain, disturbed. Mulder waited. “The fe . . . the baby, Mulder did you know it was yours?”
The world receded before him; all sound seemed to come from miles away. His? She’d been carrying his child; that’s what had come this close to killing her? Part of his mind understood Frohike’s outrage suddenly; they had thought he had betrayed Scully. “Mulder?”
“No, I didn’t know.” He broke the connection, there weren’t any words to say and even if there had been, they wouldn’t be said to the guys.
He found himself back at her bedside. The monitors reassured him that life still existed in her body. He sank into the chair the hospital had provided him and he allowed his head to sink onto the bed beside her. He was beyond tears, looming over a pit from which he knew he would never escape. If she died because of this, he had killed her.
“Mulder?” His head shot up, she was awake? Her eyes smiled at him and then closed again, her hand tightened around his.
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Mulder, Scully, the Lone Gunman and Skinner all belong to Chris Carter, 10-13 and Fox. No infringement intended.