She
was gone for over an hour. He had cycled back
to fear by the time he spotted her through the window.
He met her at the door, a towel in his hands.
He wrapped her in the towel and sat her on the bed, kneeling in front of
her.
“Scully,
please.” He took her hands in his. “Talk to me.
Have I done - “?
“I’m pregnant.”
His
mouth opened and closed a couple of times, but he made no sound. She didn’t look up, staring instead at their
hands intertwined in her lap.
“Are
you sure? We . . . we haven’t . .
.” She didn’t seem to hear him. “Were
you . . . were you seeing anyone, before?” She
glanced up at him then.
“No.”
It was more breath than word. He saw the
tears spill out of her eyes and rose, sitting beside her now on the bed. He drew her close, then on into his lap ignoring
the fact that she was soaked to the skin.
“I’m
here Scully.” She clutched at his arm
then and he folded her into him, trying to protect her, keep the rest of the world at bay. He realized she was shivering, probably had been
all along. “You need to get out of those
wet things.” He spoke into her hair,
his lips brushing her scalp.
After
a long moment she nodded, but still didn’t attempt to leave his arms. He didn’t push, she was warmer against him
but these shudders probably had nothing to do with being wet or cold.
He
felt her begin to relax a little, “You need to get some sleep Scully. It’s the middle of the night. Can you stand?” She nodded and he placed her on her feet, not
taking his hands from her. “Come
on.” He walked her to the bath alcove
and blotted her hair with a second towel as she stood looking up at him.
“Thanks.” She might have been talking about her hair, but he
knew better. He picked up her pajamas from
where she’d dropped them when she’d dressed and handed them to her.
“I’ll
be right here.” She nodded and turned
away from him to go in the small room to change. He
almost turned her back toward him, but managed to stop himself. She wasn’t going anywhere.
When
she emerged he was right there waiting and though he knew that she didn’t enjoy being
coddled, at least by him, she was going to get some coddling now. He led her to the bed and helped her lay down,
pulling the covers up over her.
“Try
to get some sleep Scully. We’ll talk
when it’s light.” She nodded and
rolled over away from him. He backed the one
step to his own bed and sat watching her. No,
that would probably make her uncomfortable. He
lay down but couldn’t turn away from her.
Shortly
he realized from her breathing that she had actually fallen asleep. He wished he could.
He had to keep physically forcing his mind away from analyzing this. Not now! She
hadn’t been seeing anyone; they certainly
hadn’t . . . which left those two weeks that they were missing.
Damn
those bastards to an everlasting hell! They
had no right to violate this woman! She was his and he was going to kill the next person to
touch her. If she’d never met him . . .
don’t think about it, you’ll go as crazy as everyone already assumes you are.
He
realized her sleep was becoming more restless, she’d turned toward him now and he saw
that tears were running down her face though she wasn’t awake. His heart broke for her, for all of the pain
she’d endured because she had been given to him to destroy.
She
seemed to be fighting something now, “Muld . . . “ Him? Was she fighting him or calling to him for help? Hell. He
rose from his bed and crawled into hers, pulling her to him. It seemed to be what she wanted, she burrowed into
his chest and he could feel her muscles relax. He
couldn’t even begin to fathom what she was going through. And it wasn’t a nightmare; she was living it. He had no doubt she was correct in her diagnosis,
now that he thought about it. Hell, they were
living together, he should have noticed.
He
didn’t think he would, but he finally drifted off.
He woke the next morning to find her awake and watching him. His immediate response was to pull away from her
because she didn’t want him that close; he managed to curb that. The next was to ask how she was feeling, but he
didn’t want to hear her say ‘fine’ and know it to be a lie. She wasn’t fine. She’d been violated again.
Ah hell, he hugged her to him. It was what he wanted even if she didn’t. “Scully, what do you want?”
“To
wake up in my own bed and find out this is all a nightmare.”
He
pulled back from her then. He didn’t
want to make things worse, but she followed putting her arms around him now. “I’d do that for you if I could.”
“I
know.” She whispered that. He kissed her forehead, no longer even pretending
he didn’t want her in his arms. They
held each other in silence for a while, then she pulled away from him and stood.
“Where
. . .?”
“I’ll
be right back.” She ducked into the
bathroom and he pulled a pillow into his arms - no substitute but he needed to hold onto
something. She paused when she emerged, just
looking at him.
After
a few seconds he couldn’t take it any more. “Scully?” He rose and came to her, taking her back in his
arms.
“What
am I going to do?” She murmured into his
chest, her arms tightening around him. He
closed his eyes, savoring the feel of her, realizing that, for now anyway, she was letting
him in.
“We’ll
figure something out, Scully. Why don’t
I go get us something to eat? We can
talk.” After a moment she nodded and
stepped back.
“Thanks
for . . . for being here last night.” She
was looking down, not facing him when she said that.
He didn’t say anything, just kissed the top of her head. He dressed quickly - he wanted to get the food and
get back. He hated leaving her alone for even
that long.
She
was staring into space again when he returned, but it didn’t look as though
she’d been crying. She took the
cup of coffee and gave him a tired smile in thanks. After
she’d had time to enjoy some of it, he put his hand over hers. “Scully, can you talk to me?”
“Yes.”
“Why
did you run off last night?”
She
looked up quickly. That wasn’t the
question she had been expecting. “I . .
.” She turned away. Maybe she
couldn’t talk about this after all. He
squeezed her hand.
“I’m
here Scully. I’m not going anywhere. Whatever you need . . . “
“I
wasn’t going to come back last night.” He
felt his heart clutch at those words - his greatest fear coming from her lips.
“Where
. . .” he had to swallow, “where were you going?”
“I
don’t . . . I wasn’t thinking clearly.”
She took a deep breath. “I
thought about . . .”
“No.” His grip tightened until he saw her grimace. He loosened his grip, but didn’t release her.
“I’m
not, I . . . I couldn’t.” She
shrugged. “It’s a mortal sin, at
least that’s what I learned as a child.”
“I
don’t know about that, but it’s a real bad idea.
Whatever changed your mind works for me.”
“Mulder,
what am I going to do?”
“You’re
gonna stay calm. We’ll think of
something. You’re sure about . . .
“ She nodded miserably. “You . . .
you wanted - “
“No! Not like this!
I don’t want . . . “
He
brushed the hair out of her eyes. “Do
you want to get rid of it?” She looked
down at his hand that gripped hers and didn’t answer.
“Can you live with that Scully?”
“I
don’t know!” She jerked her hand
away from his and rose abruptly putting space between them.
He
stood as well, his hands out begging her to remain calm.
“I’m sorry Scully. We
don’t have to talk about this now. There’s
time - there’s time to make decisions. No
one’s forcing you to do anything.”
“Aren’t
they? Aren’t they really? I was taken again!
They took you this time too. They
have control over us. Maybe they’re the
reason I didn’t go through with it last night. Maybe
they have that degree of control.” She
looked away from him for a moment and then back. “Maybe
I’ll miscarry. After what they’ve
already done to my body, why should I even think I could carry a child anyway?” Her breathing was becoming labored as she fought
for composure and lost.
“Scully.” He moved closer to her; she was on the verge of
hysteria. He’d seen her in most of her
moods; laughing, crying, even terrified, but never like this.
“Help
me.” She reached for him, her hand
moving down his thigh, moving toward an even more personal area. His physical reaction was immediate; it took a
couple of heartbeats for his mind to catch up. “I
know you don’t want me Mulder, especially now, but I need - “
“Scully. Not like this.” She was obviously losing her grip on reality. He
gently moved away from her. “Scully, you need to - “
Her
eyes widened as she realized the extent of her actions.
She pulled away from him then, headed for the door again. “No! Scully
don’t leave!”
She
hesitated, her back still to him. Finally she
turned, “I can’t believe that I . . . I’m sorry.” Before he could move she slumped to the floor in a
dead faint.
“Oh
god!” He was beside her instantly. Her pulse was too fast. He scooped her up in his arms and laid her on the
bed they had shared the night before. What
the hell was he supposed to do? He dampened a
cloth and laid it across her forehead. Could
he chance taking her to a hospital? Could he
chance not?
She
was already coming around. He sat beside her,
his hand caressing her face. “Scully?”
She
opened her eyes to his face and saw the carefully controlled panic he was trying to hide. Memory flooded her and she turned away, unable to
look at him.
“Mulder,
I’m so sorry. I can’t believe -
“
“Scully,
there is one thing we need to get cleared up.” He
felt her stiffen beside him; tensing for the blow she knew was coming. “Where in all hell did you get the idea that
I didn’t want you?”
She
turned back, blinking at him and saw that he was smiling down at her now, his eyebrow
raised, awaiting her answer.
“Seven
years of history?” She managed to say.
He
shook his head, “That was just self control. You
would be amazed, or appalled, at how many nights I finally got to sleep thanks to
you.”
He
watched the blush grow on her face. “You
don’t have to say - “
“I’m
being honest Scully. It’s my deep dark
secret that I’ve never shared with you. I
can’t let you go on believing I don’t want you.”
She
looked away again, “Even if that had been true at one time, now . . . “
“Now
I want you more than ever. You really
don’t know how hard it’s been for me to live with you and have to sleep over
there? You’ve been more preoccupied than
I thought.”
“Mulder,
don’t - “
He
loomed over her then, his hands pinning her shoulders to the mattress. “Don’t doubt this. I’ve wanted you in my bed for years. Because I’m ‘Spooky’ Mulder and
your partner, I haven’t acted on it. Fear
of driving you away is a powerful excuse for celibacy.
I’ve told you some of this before - after the Bermuda Triangle, New
Years Eve - but you didn’t seem to want me to pursue it, so I didn’t.”
She
was staring at him now, mouth slightly open, eyes wide.
“Oh come on Scully. This
can’t be that big a shock.” He
watched a tear escape and fear began growing in him again.
She
shook her head; “It’s too late. I
thought I was damaged before, but now . . . “
“Dana
Scully, you are the least damaged person I know and the strongest. You’ve been through hell because of these . .
. these people and because of me. Don’t
- “ He stopped her protest, “but they haven’t destroyed you and you’re
not destroyed now. We’re together on
this Scully. Don’t shake your head at
me; we’re more together than we’ve ever been, closer than we’ve ever been. I don’t want anything to stop that.”
He
could see all kinds of thoughts go through her mind and he readied himself for the
argument he knew was coming.
“You
got to sleep thinking about me?”
His
eyes smiled though he tried to keep it from his lips.
“Well, not thinking exactly.”
He watched her blush, maybe this was the best thing for now - keep it light. It didn’t change anything, but she needed to
step away. “What about you? I don’t suppose you ever fantasized about
me?”
The
blush deepened. “Yeah.” He smiled then and realized he still had her
pinned down on the bed. He released her and
sat up.
*****
She
woke to a feeling of security. What would
cause that, especially now? Then she realized
she was cradled in Mulder’s arms. She
could feel his warm breath on her shoulder and his hand was inside her pajamas, resting
protectively against her abdomen. He was
trying to care for her and, let’s face it, he was afraid of what she had thought
about doing to herself. She wasn’t
considering it now. Suicide wasn’t an
answer for her, but it had touched him in some very deep wound and though he tried to hide
it, he couldn’t shake it completely.
“Um,
Scully, it’s early, go back to sleep.” So
he’d been aware of her - and he hadn’t removed his hand. For some reason that made her feel better than
anything had in a long time. She scrunched
back against him and did drift off again.
*****
Time
to move again. How much longer could she keep
this up? How much longer did she even want
to? The very thought made her weary.
She
reached for the handle of her suitcase to swing it off of the bed. There weren’t a lot of option. “I’ve got it.” He reached past her and lifted the bag.
“I
can do it Mulder.”
He
didn’t respond, at least verbally, but she could see he was hurt by her comment. He was trying to look after her and she
couldn’t abide it. She wanted to scream
or run or break something. Unfortunately,
that wasn’t a possibility.
*****
“Scully,
are you okay?” The concern coloring his
voice reached her through the fog. They had
moved yet again today and she didn’t look right.
A little pale, definitely not herself.
“I’m
fine, just tired.” Tired didn’t
even touch it, but she had no way to describe this incredible weariness.
“Why
don’t you lie down for awhile? I can go
get us something to eat later.” She
looked like she was ready to drop. She
hadn’t been herself for days but then neither one of them knew what she was supposed
to be like right now. She nodded and he
actually stood from the computer to put her to bed. She
wasn’t always receptive when he acted like this, but this time she accepted.
He
had the impression she was asleep before she completely reclined. His worry for her was growing faster than she was. She’d lost weight in her face, like when
she’d battled the cancer, only her stomach was rounder.
Her
sleep was restless. It always was now unless
he was lying with her. It was one of the few
things that made him feel better - that he was able to give her comfort, then at least. He looked up startled as he heard her moan. What the . . .
He
was on his feet, “Scully? Scully wake
up, can you hear me?” He couldn’t
wake her. He placed his hand on her cheek,
she was cool, clammy. He’d known she
wasn’t feeling well, why did he let her put him off like that?
He
needed to wake her; he pulled the covers back and froze in shock. Blood, blood everywhere! He wrapped the spread around her and had her in
his arms and out the door.
At
the hospital they took her from him and after a minimum of questions banished him to the
waiting room. She was losing the baby, that
much he was certain of, had she known? Had
she kept something from him? He knew
she didn’t want this baby, not the way things had happened, but she’d decided to
go ahead anyway. Being Dana Scully, that was
the only thing she could do. What was
happening in there!
It
felt like days had passed since the clock had moved but suddenly there was a doctor
standing in front of him. He was on his feet
instantly. “Is she . . .?”
“She’s
stabilized. We had to do a D&C, the baby
. . . “
Mulder
nodded, unable to speak for a moment. He
cleared his throat; “Can I see her?”
“She’s
pretty out of it, let us move her to a room and - “ The doctor stopped as a crash
cart raced past him and on into the cubicle from which he had just emerged. He squeezed Mulder’s shoulder and was gone,
disappearing back into her room.
Mulder
found himself in the room as well; he couldn’t stay away any longer. The words barely penetrated his panic,
“Clear!” He watched her body jerk
as though in slow motion, everything had gone to slow motion. He watched a swab drift from the table and take
forever to reach the bloody puddle on the floor. She
was dead - technically she was dead right now. Dead?
“Scully!” The word was ripped from him.
The
team looked up, startled. “Get him out
of here!”
“We
have a rhythm!”
“Get
another line in her, she’s bleeding out. And get him out of here!”
A
nurse had his arm, forcing him from the room. She’d
heard him; she’d come back to him when he’d called to her. He allowed the woman to lead him back to the
waiting area. He didn’t have the
strength to resist her anyway. A considerable
time passed before the doctor reappeared.
He
started to rise but the doctor placed his hand on his shoulder. “Keep your seat.” A shaft of ice-cold terror lanced through Mulder. The doctor sat beside him. “By the way, I’m Dr. Mabry. We’ve gotten the bleeding under control and
we’re moving her to the ICU. Was she on
any medication, drugs?”
Mulder
had leaned back in the chair, eyes closed. She
was alive. He took a deep breath. “No, no medication, but . . . I need to have
tissue samples, the . . . the fetus sent to a lab back East.”
“Do
you suspect something?”
“There
were . . . concerns about the pregnancy - a genetic thing.”
“So
it was a high risk pregnancy?”
Mulder
nodded. “Could you ship the . . . the
-“
“What’s
the address?” This man in front of him
wasn’t doing well at all. He needed to
see his wife.
“It’s
the L&G Labs.” He scribbled the
address down and handed it to him.
“I’ll
take care of this. We’re moving your
wife up to the ICU now. We’ll keep a
close eye on her.”
Mulder
nodded and turned toward the elevators. The
doctor watched him for a moment, then went to take care of his promise to him.
*****
Mulder
was in the waiting room immediately outside of the unit, as close as they would allow him
to be for now. They’d been able to move
her from Emergency, but obviously she was still in trouble.
Mulder
was on his feet when he saw her doctor approaching the door. “Is she . . .?”
“Mr.
Harrison, we can’t control her blood pressure. We’ve
pretty much done everything we can. If
there’s someone you need to call, you might want to go ahead and get them here.”
Mulder
stared at him, not allowing the words to fully penetrate.
She was dying? They
couldn’t help her any more? How could he
call her mother and tell her that, yes, she had been alive these past few weeks but now
she was truly dying and . . . No.
“There’s
no one. May I go in?”
The
doctor nodded and stepped aside. Mulder made
his way to her bed. She was so pale, so
vulnerable. If he’d had any heart left
to break it would have. As it was he felt
numb.
He
reached for her hand, caressing it with his thumb. He
turned it over and brought it to his lips, kissing her palm. “Don’t leave me.” He whispered it into her hand unaware of anyone
else in the room.
He
finally looked up when the doctor entered and watched him make his way to the monitors. “What?”
She wasn’t dead; the machines were still beeping. No one answered him, but he didn’t have
enough adrenaline left to panic. She was
dying and he already felt dead inside.
“Mr.
Harrison.” The doctor approached him and
he managed to look away from her. “You’ve
been together a long time haven’t you?”
He
nodded mutely. A long time? He couldn’t remember life before her. “I don’t know if you have any beliefs in
paranormal phenomena, but . . . well I’ve seen some things happen over the years that
are hard to explain with science.”
Part
of Mulder wanted to laugh. What was the man
trying to say? “When you came in here,
touched her, her pressure stabilized. When
you called for her in the ER, her heart started. We
weren’t touching her. Listen I take a
lot of heat for . . . She needs you, right now she needs you more than anything we can do. I’m going to get a chair in here and have you
sit with her.”
Needed
him? She was better because he had touched
her? His mind couldn’t wrap around what
was being said, but he was going to be allowed to stay here with her. She was still alive, that was all that mattered.
*****
“It’s
me.”
“What
the hell is going on out there?” Frohike’s
voice was more than a little outraged.
“What
did you find?”
“A
lot. Who the hell is the mother?”
Mulder
sighed, so they had just used her again. It
wasn’t even hers. “She was . . . we
don’t know who the mother was genetically.”
“What’s
her condition?” Byers was on the other
line now.
“Critical. Can you help?”
“We
can’t explain everything we’ve found. We’ve
asked a couple of people to help us on this.” They
sounded uncomfortable, damn uncomfortable but he didn’t have time to analyze it now,
he wanted to be with her.
“I
need to get back to her. I’ll call in a
few hours. If you find anything . . . “
“We’re
on it. Mulder . . .” He was startled,
they hadn’t used names before. It was
Byers speaking and he sounded very uncertain, disturbed.
Mulder waited. “The fe .
. . the baby, Mulder did you know it was yours?”
The
world receded before him; all sound seemed to come from miles away. His? She’d
been carrying his child; that’s what had come this close to killing her? Part of his mind understood Frohike’s outrage
suddenly; they had thought he had betrayed Scully. “Mulder?”
“No,
I didn’t know.” He broke the
connection, there weren’t any words to say and even if there had been, they
wouldn’t be said to the guys.
He
found himself back at her bedside. The
monitors reassured him that life still existed in her body.
He sank into the chair the hospital had provided him and he allowed his head
to sink onto the bed beside her. He was
beyond tears, looming over a pit from which he knew he would never escape. If she died because of this, he had killed her.
“Mulder?” His head shot up, she was awake? Her eyes smiled at him and then closed again, her
hand tightened around his.
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